Looking through the looking glass
by si3nna
Summary: The sequel to 'Fragments of a Thought' Better to read it before reading this one This is Ryoma's POV. and he sounds oddly OOC..or is it just me? D:


**Title: **Looking through a Looking Glass.

**Pairing: **Tezuka/Ryoma

**Disclaimer**: Prince of Tennis belongs to Konomi Takeshi. Enough said.

**Comments**: This is kinda like the sequel to 'Fragments of a thought' It makes more sense if you read that before this. :3 And this is Ryoma's POV. Hmm..he seems OC to me. D: Doesn't anyone agree?

Looking through the looking glass

I leaned back.

There's always been a wall between us ever since I could remember. It wasn't surprising since he was the captain of the Seigaku tennis club and I was merely a first year. I admired him for his skill, we all did, but I never realised that it ran deeper then that. I liked him, more then what was necessary.

I first confessed to him, when I turned fourteen. I was nervous and I remember seeing Fuji senpai's knowing look as he passed, making Buchou and I the only people left in the locker room. He rejected me though. It hurt, but I understood, maybe he thought I wasn't serious? I have seen girls confess to him before. All of them were stupid anyways, always giggling and blushing whenever he was near them. They were mada mada dane. He would reject them though, so I could assume if he wasn't interested then just maybe he could be gay?

Entering into high school, there were two goals to keep in mind.

Find stronger opponents to play and confess to buchou.

I told him after practice one day. He stared at me, with a puzzled expression as if wondering. Sometimes, I'm thankful to let desperation take over as I slammed him against the lockers and kissed him. Kissed him, till I heard a soft groan escape his lips.

The first time still brings a smile to my face. Who could have thought, that such an expression existed on his face? That look of desire tingled with fear. Fear that he was going to hurt me. I could feel his heart pounding, almost as loud as mine. The way his bare shoulder felt underneath my hands. I remember digging nails into flesh at first contact. It was painful at first, but pain merely lasts for a second before pleasure overwhelms all.

I decided to go pro when I was sixteen, much to that pervert's delight and everyone's encouragement. Playing tennis at times, makes you forget everything and you can live only for the moment and the glory of beating an opponent. Watching those smug grins and snickers disappear after I win, straight sets in all. Well, not straight sets, but I won anyway. Buchou didn't go pro after high school as I expected. Instead he chose to go to university to study to be a doctor. I was angry with him, because wasn't that what his father wanted him to do? I know buchou, he shouldn't be inside with old people and medicines. He should be on the courts. Like me.

I sulked for awhile, however he reassured that even if he didn't go pro, he would still play tennis. Which was good, as I wouldn't want his tennis skills to go to waste.

Years come and go.

Getting older feels weird. One thing is for sure, I have grown taller. Although not tall as Kuni though. Playing tennis has its quirks. I'm able to face tough opponents on a daily basis although I personally think some of them aren't even half as good as Kuni or the Monkey King. Not that I would ever tell that Monkey King _that_. His ego might threaten to burst.

Sometimes, when there is a break in my schedules, I try to get home and visit him. Yet at times, I can't help but wonder was I the only one happy in this relationship?

Watching him eat, his fingers pale against the darkness of the bowl and the way his adam's apple moves as he swallows. I picked up a piece of fish with my chopsticks and popped in my mouth, chewing. I swallowed and took a breath before I asked him.

Ne, Kuni, when do you think it's the best time to tell our parents about us?"

He looked up, one hand holding his cup of tea.

_And the world? _I added silently. I made it no secret that I wanted news of our relationship open to the world. Even if our friends had accepted us, it wasn't enough. Not when the whole world was ignorant. And maybe then, at conferences, they would stop asking questions about my personal life. I placed my chopsticks near my bowl as I waited for his response.

"It isn't time yet…and you shouldn't be careless." He finally answers before he takes a sip from his tea.

I watched him drink, his eyes closed for the moment and I wish I could see them open, staring at me with its intensity. I smiled bitterly. It was always the same…what was wrong with me?

"Don't worry, I won't." I said quietly.

I miss Karupin when I'm away, the way he curls beside me when I sleep to the contented purr he gives when you scratch behind the ears. However, I miss the feel of Kuni. The way, his arms wrap around me to the soft kisses he leaves which makes me tingle. A smile tugs at my mouth unconsciously and I groan and open my eyes. Blinking to clear the sleep out of my eyes, I glanced at the clock. It's only six thirty in the morning and I got another conference to attend to at 10. I groan again as I turn to my side.

The bed is large, too large for a single person. Thinking of this vastness, only makes me wish Kuni was here more then ever. If only, if only.

After the conference, which was a waste of time. As why would be people be interested in my personal life? Shouldn't they worry about my tennis? After all, that's what they are paid for right? I close my eyes, thinking of the question raised during the conference.

"_Mr. Echizen, do you have someone special in your life?" _I was startled by that, to be honest however after a kick from my manager from under the table, I had smiled and lied.

"No. I'm not interested in anyone at the moment. Not with the tennis to be played."

A few people had chuckled. I was famous for having unhealthy obsession with tennis. I was sure people thought, while I could be married or dating, they would only be second to my first love, tennis.

"Echizen…" A familiar voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

I blink and find myself staring at a familiar face. A man stood in front of me, dressed in black slacks, which empathise the slenderness of his legs, neatly pressed white shirt and a thin black jacket. A camera bag slung over one shoulder

"F-Fuji senpai…" I cried in shock. "W-What are you doing here?"

He smiled, rasing his camera.

"Photography," He replied. "It's a shame you didn't smile in any of the photos. Just think of all those broken hearts…"

"Ah huh," I answered. "Fuji senpai, I'm sure you didn't come here to just tell me that."

Blue eyes opened and blinked innocently at me, before they closed and he tilted his head thoughtfully. I stood there, waiting warily. Fuji senpai couldn't do innocent even if it saved his life.  
"Why you wound me, Echizen. Have you had lunch? There's a good Japanese restaurant around here…"

"Eh?" I was confused at the change in topic.

Trust Fuji senpai to change topics so quickly. He might as well be speaking in glibberish. But who was I to complain? Especially if it came to food. _Free food_. He was going to be paying anyways.

As if he read my mind, he smiled and said smoothly.  
I will be paying,"

Having lunch with Fuji senpai never did out to be a pleasant experience. Most of the conversation led to double meanings and the way his eyes kept opening and closing.

Although I should have known that, after all it was Fuji senpai. The only one who was immune to Inui senpai's remixs to the overdose of wasabi on his sushi. I rolled to my side, recalling his words.

_Echizen, have you told Tezuka yet? He needs more then words, you know. _

I shook my head, I knew that. I did, but I was afraid. Tennis has taught me many things, but it didn't teach me the matters of the heart.

Amidst the schedules and conferences, sometimes if I remember I would ring or email him. I liked to ring him, listening to the sound of his voice as it travels through the wire. Listening to him speak as if he was almost here beside me. I smiled as I listened to Kunimitsu speak, talking about work and Karupin. Throwing a tennis ball up and down with my left hand, I take a deep breath.

"Ne, Kuni…can I tell the world? If I win against…" I hesitate, waiting for his reply.

I know who I will be playing against tomorrow. Some Australian player with aggressive playing, which reminded me of Momo senpai. I wanted him to say yes, if anything. As to reassure myself that I wasn't the only one tired of misunderstandings and lies.

There is silence on the other end and then.

"Ryoma…Think…" He said slowly. "Don't get careless now."

I leaned against the wall, fingers tightening on the handle.

_Is it wrong? To take what you want? Even if you may end up regretting it?_

I came home after I realised I didn't have a match to another two months. I ended up losing to that player. I think Hewitt was his name? He was a good player, someone I would like to play against again. I came close but I lost. Was it because I couldn't concentrate? Or was it I careless in allowing emotions to take the best of me? I stared at Kuni who was busy reading out of the corner of my eye as I stared absently at the TV. Ponta was beside me, but I didn't take notice of it. It wasn't what I wanted at the moment.

I turned to Kuni, thinking over the words that had me questioning. It was better now or never. Who knew when I would be able to find such a moment?

"Are you ashamed of me?" The words came out without thinking.

There was a silence. I glared at him as I waited, however the moment he looked up, I looked away, staring at the table, bookcase and wall, anything but him. I didn't want to see his expression

"Why do you ask?" He asks.

I almost choke with disbelief. Why? He asks. I scowled. Words that I been holding back suddenly come out.

"I-I can't help but think your ashamed of me…Kuni. When ever I ask, you always say it's not the time. Tell me Kunimitsu! When is the time?" My hands curl into fists. "You don't know how painful it is when people ask wherever I had someone special in my life and I always have to deny when I want to tell them yes I been with my lover for 9 years! Tell me Tezuka…what are you waiting for? Parental approval?"

I almost spat the last word out, as I stared at Kuni. He seemed stunned for a second, as a series of emotions passed through his face, shock, horror, sorrow and resignation. What was he thinking?

"I don't know…" The words come out, slowly, hesitantly.

I bit my lip as the confusion mingled in those words. As if asking...what should I say?

"Che," I muttered, looking to a side. I was resigned, somehow I knew this was going to happen. What was I expecting from him anyways? He loved me I was sure of that, but did he love me enough? Did I love him enough? Or was this a mistake from the beginning?

"Ne…Kunimitsu...where did I go wrong? Was it wrong of me to confess to you back then?"

"No," He replied tightly. "It isn't that…Ryoma you're a tennis star."

I looked at him, confused. What was he talking about? What's that got to do with anything?

He continued.

"The world doesn't accept homosexuals or civil unions. Not even Japan is that open," He says calmly, as if he had rehearsed this many times before. "It wouldn't be wise for your career to have the stigma of being gay tagged to it."

I smiled bitterly. So this was what he was afraid of. He was afraid for me.

"So that was the problem then…? You were afraid of me being discriminated? Merely because I was a tennis player?" I laugh bitterly.

A tense silence soon follows, only broken by the distant rumblings of the clock and Karupin's soft footsteps. I heard him rise from the sofa and footsteps walking towards me. I felt his hand on my shoulder and I tense before reluctantly relaxing. Instead of leaning towards his touch, I move away, turning to the TV. I can't face him now.

"Kunimitsu…" I whisper.

It's my second time, calling him Kunimitsu. It's strange, as I'm used to calling him Buchou or Kuni. Ironic that I should call him thus in times of anger and sorrow. Kunimitsu sounds like a stranger's name, a person who

I can feel the tears threatening to come.

I turn to him, looking into eyes that are familiar as my own. He must have seen the tears for he suddenly reached forward with slender fingers, I pull back shaking my head. I can't think now…I want to be alone…

"I'm sorry…b-but I can be alone for a minute?" I choked back on tears.

Kuni wordlessly stands up and walks past to turn the TV off before walking away. Karupin meows at my legs and paws at my knees. I smiled despite myself as I pick him up. Hearing Kuni's quiet footsteps fade, I closed my eyes feeling the hot tears come.

Maybe, we weren't meant to be together. All of this was a mistake from the beginning. If I hadn't confessed, maybe he would have married a nice girl by now and be raising a family. His parents would have been happier, knowing that their son had wife and child. I was selfish, thinking that if I was happy he would be happy too. Nothing lasts forever so maybe this was doomed to end someday, but I hadn't wanted it to end like this.

The sound of the crowd brings me back. I opened my eyes and shook my head. I couldn't be distracted by memories. Not now. My fingers grip the racquet tightly as I started walking towards the courts. Love is painful, and I still miss him regardless. But with tennis I can forget if only for the moment. And live for the thrill of the game, as many years ago.

And Kuni…If we are lucky, Kuni maybe we will meet again.

and authour comments :

Hmm…I had some problems when writing this. Use of pet names and the problems in the relationship.

Would Ryoma call Tezuka Kuni? When he's alone? Maybe in their private moments, it would be either Buchou or Kuni-chan. I can't see him calling him Tezuka or Kunimitsu. ;; although others have convinced me otherwise…well

まだまだだね :P


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